why music?

(or like… why is this still one of the things that makes sense)

i keep trying to answer this and every time it sounds wrong so i’m just gonna write it how it actually comes out in my head.

i think about that nokia phone a lot. like it’s such a stupid detail but it actually changed everything. i was like 5, maybe, and my dad gave me this random flip phone with an sd card inside, and i had no idea what was even on it. and then there was Animal on it. and i pressed play on your love is my drug and those first seconds just—i don’t know, it didn’t feel like music, it felt like something else entirely. like my brain didn’t know how to process it yet. and i think that was the first time i actually noticed sound.

because before that it was just stuff like Britney Spears playing in the background because of my mom, which i love now, but back then it was just there, like part of the room. this was different. this felt like something was happening to me.

and it’s weird because at the same time everything connects back to my dad again. like he wasn’t even a music person, but he’s the reason i even started doing anything. he showed me garageband, he would sit there with me watching youtube tutorials like “how to make a beat”, and i would just try things. and it sounded horrible, like actually horrible, but he would still play it in the car like it was something real. and i think that’s where it shifted. like someone else believed it was real before i did.

and then suddenly i’m 11 and somehow i have an album. like actual album. searching. i still don’t even fully understand how that happened. i made like 11 tracks, people got involved, “fixed” things, and it ended up on a label. and i got signed at 11 which sounds like a joke but it’s not. and i remember seeing it on platforms and just thinking like ok… this exists now. this is not just in my laptop anymore.

and at the same time people at school are making fun of me for it and i’m going home crying and then opening my laptop again like nothing happened. which is kind of insane when i think about it now. like nothing ever actually stopped it.

and then later when i started getting listeners, like real listeners, that’s when it became something else again. because before it was just me and maybe a few people around me, but then it’s like ok… someone out there is hearing this. and that made it feel real in a different way. like i can’t pretend this is just a phase or something.

but also i think i always knew. like even before all of that. it was just… there.

and then throughout 2020-mid 2021, 2006 became a thing and that’s the first time i actually tried to say something. not just make sounds. it was very soft, very emotional, almost like a dream version of pop, a bit country, very simple in a way. i was just saying “i love my friends, i love my family, i love this person” without thinking too much. and i was so sure about it. like this is it. this is the album.

and then it just… didn’t happen.

my dad passed away in july of 2021. he used to praise that album so much, he really liked it. and after he was gone, i just tried to avoid listening to it completely. it was genuinely not the right time for me mentally to release it.

and i still can’t explain that properly. i keep trying to find a reason but it just feels like it wasn’t meant to exist outside of me. like it already did what it needed to do just by being made. and everything around that time just made it impossible to let it go.

and then everything gets messy. like actually messy.

i’m in a car leaving ukraine with a midi keyboard for some reason, like why did i even bring that. and i’m sitting there with headphones making music while everything outside feels unreal. and that becomes world 1. and that project is just… instinct. no structure, no “this should be like this”, just reacting. it’s experimental, electronic, kind of unstable, but in a way that feels honest.

and when i listen to it now i don’t just hear it, i remember it. like exactly. where i was sitting, what it felt like. it’s not separated from that moment at all.

and then i messed it up a bit with world 2.

i think i rushed it. i think i thought i needed to continue something instead of just letting it exist on its own. i made it really fast, like two months, and at that time it made sense but now it doesn’t fully. there are songs i still like, but as a whole it feels like i was chasing something i didn’t understand yet.

archived is funny because it wasn’t supposed to matter at all. it was literally just things i had, like random sessions, leftovers. and then suddenly it becomes important.

because that’s when i start thinking like… wait. why don’t i own this. why is this not mine. like these are my sounds, my ideas, my time, everything, and it’s not actually mine?

and that thought doesn’t leave after that. it just stays in the background constantly.

but at the same time archived was also the first moment where i felt like ok, i can actually make something i’m proud of. not just “this is good for me”, but actually good.

and then last memory.

and this one is different. it’s not trying to prove anything, it’s not trying to be anything. it just exists. it feels like looking back without trying to change anything. like accepting it. and i still feel like i didn’t say everything there, like there’s more in me, but it’s peaceful in a way nothing else is.

the ownership thing changes everything though.

because even if i didn’t think about it all the time, it was always there. like this is not fully mine. and that’s such a weird feeling when it’s literally your thoughts and your sound.

and when i finally got everything back, it wasn’t even about business. it was just like… ok. this is me again.

and that’s why i created Whatever It Takes LLC. not for some big business reason, just because i never want to feel that again. i never want to feel like my own work doesn’t belong to me. like i don’t control it. because that’s the worst thing for me as an artist.

now it’s different. now everything is actually mine. and that changes how you think, even if you don’t notice it immediately.

and that’s also why honeymoon1e had to end.

because that was me, but like… a version of me. a younger one. and i don’t want to hide behind that anymore. i don’t hate it, it’s just not me now.

using my real name is different. there’s no distance anymore. if something works, it’s me. if it fails, it’s also me. and i’m fine with that.

and now the debut.

i’m not even gonna explain it too much because i don’t want to kill it before it’s out. but it’s the realest version of me so far. not because i’m trying to be “deep”, but because i’m not limiting myself anymore.

i can do whatever i want now. actually.

and i want it to feel good. like something people can sit with, go into their own head, feel something they maybe forgot about, or didn’t even know they had.

not my story exactly. theirs.

so yeah

why music

i don’t think i chose it. i think it just stayed there through everything. through all of it. and i just kept going back to it.

and if someone reads this i don’t want them to think anything about me specifically. i just want them to feel like they can do their own thing too. even if it’s messy, even if it doesn’t make sense yet.

just be real with it.

that’s it.